You have to understand that you get no wages while in the RPF or maybe it was $5 a week so you could pay for the church's coin operated laundry machines, which you were required to use. I was completely bankrupt inside and out. If it was not for the generosity of Don Mains, I wouldn't of had a place to stay or even a meal to eat. I wouldn't dare go to the city food or shelter programs for help as I still was under the mind control of how I was the bad one and the church was the only group this world would ever know who could save it. Actually Richard Tenny, the commissioner set up a shelter program for Scientologists who wanted to leave. I don't know how successful it was because most Sea Org members came from out of state or out of this country and I would of thought they would just go home to where they came from.

I don't know how long it was, maybe a month or less of grueling hard work. I had been put on the food pick up crew again. This is where I had to ride in the back of a rented truck and go into Tampa to be the mule, and load all the food for the Ft. Harrison. This was at the Farmer's Market at the crack of dawn. I previously wrote about how I had to ride in the back on top of all the food in complete darkness. After this it was moping or sanding or hauling furniture. I had the yellow armband around my arm which was another symbol I worn to show my disloyalty to the 'Church.'

I remember having to haul furniture from the Guardian's Office where I once worked. No one would talk to me. I know you weren't allowed but still, not even a glance or a smile for all the countless hours of working together. This was a great lesson for me that your only as good as you produce, and that at anytime the group could take away anything they wanted. The power I once felt I had was only an illusion that I was made to believe in order to be a willing slave.

I had finally broke. This time is was to really leave for good. I left and went back to Don Mains who was caring enough to put up with my delusions and also helped me find work. You have to understand that the climate in Clearwater was absolute hatred toward Scientologists. Ron DeWolfe and the protests, the grand jury indictments, the uncovering of the GO's dirty tricks towards Mayor Gabe Gazares, etc.. were at it's height. Housing a Scientologist would be like housing a criminal in Clearwater. Don didn't seem to mind the criticism and knew he was helping out a broken person with nowhere to go.

I remember him asking me to contact my mother for help. I sadly told him that I was told to disconnect from her years ago because she was antagonist towards my beliefs. I said I had called her one time from a payphone the first time I got out, however she was still hurt and angry at me for "disconnecting" from all of the family. My mom said with pain in her voice that "you only care about the church. You've made your bed, you have to sleep in it!" Click. That was the extent of our conversation. It wasn't until years later did I begin to understand how my actions caused such trama for others. LRH had sold me the beliefs that "everything was about me", compassion and love was sold in exchange for the Power Processing Bridge, and the achievement of "Power Over Life" at the top of the bridge.

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