I am writing of my experience when I was in the Church of Scientology's highest secular order called, "The Flag Guardian's Office." In order to begin this path of commitment you have to hand over your life for the next billion years. This commitment entails reincarnating yourself, lifetime after lifetime, to L. Ron Hubbard's "Sea Organization." Although I wasn't told of how I would find my Sea Org parents in-between lives, however I had faith that the enlightened ones would direct me.

My story isn't meant to harm, harass or even make judgments. The reason I am now sharing my experience is because I never fully recovered from the harmful effects of this experience and fearful of the attacks that the Church of Scientology would wage against me. I believe in order to continue on my path of healing and become whole again I feel it's important now to share my personal experience and shed my long fear of silence.

You see, I was in the Church's Guardian's Office (which is now renamed the Office of Special Affairs) and it was our job to attack, subdue, annihilate any critics or anyone in opposition to the Church of Scientology. I was trained in L. Ron Hubbard's specific policy letters called "The Guardian Orders" which perfected these tools of fear and suppression to silence those who were critical or antagonistic to Scientology. So you see it's much easier for me to not tell this story and pretend that it never happened, than to speak out, be sued, and become the target of L. Ron Hubbard's Black PR campaigns.

When I signed my billion-year contract to the Sea Org, I truly believed what L. Ron Hubbard wrote about and how he was the first spiritual leader in millions of years to have developed "the tech" which will save all mankind and stop the dwindling spiral of planet earth. LRH wrote how there were evil people in the world called S.P's (Suppressive Persons) and they were trying to stop Scientology's goal of "Clearing the Planet." They had to be "removed" so LRH had set up the Guardian's Office with Mary Sue Hubbard as the head Guardian.

I'm sorry to say I was a part of this Scientology Gestapo organization and probably felt much like the Nazi Youth did in pre-war Germany, full of hope, our heads filled with great promises, and willing to do anything for the "Fuehrer." It wasn't until years afterwards that I began to get help and shed these false beliefs and mental programs, which I had so vigorously defended in the name of "truth."

It is my intent, by writing these words, that I come clean and release my chains of fear and guilt. Although my story takes place quite some time ago, the Internet has shown me that nothing much has changed as far as using LRH's policies to annihilate and discredit its critics and promote the awful practice of disconnection of family members to further its quest of clearing the road to Scientology's "Bridge to Total Freedom."

I was attending San Jose State University as an Aviation Maintenance student from Northrop Institute of Technology in about 1977. I met this girl in one of my classes and she was very pretty and asked me if I wanted to study with her. I met her at the University Student Union where she began to tell me about her dreadful blood disease and how she had to get regular blood transfusions. She said it was a fatal disease however Scientology had this amazing "tech" that would cure her. She said that through Scientology auditing with the E-meter they could release the mental condition that caused this disease in the first place. She said auditing was very expensive but worth anything to save her life. She had asked me to attend one of the San Jose Scientology Mission lectures on "Communication" with her.

It turned out to be a sort of a bait and switch type of lecture. Once we arrived at the Scientology Mission she said she had already seen this lecture and that she would wait outside until it was over. The lecture showed me how I could climb the Scientology Bridge into enlightenment i.e. "Cause Over Life." Wow, I never thought of enlightenment before, nor ever being at cause over life. It was hard enough for me to get through any college courses, let alone think about such "lofty goals." It was a hard sale lecture with intermissions consisting of several "successful" Scientologists who were assigned to me in order to "find my ruin."

What's it like going from normal fun loving college student to hard core, save the planet type of mentality you may ask? It was intense to say the least, however what a rush and feeling of superiority, power, and purpose in life. I was encouraged by the "Ethics Officer" to disconnect from my mother and girlfriend, as they were "antagonistic" to my being in Scientology. I was told that I can't achieve these states of awareness if I remained connected to people who are "suppressive." So of course I did.

My service contract read one billion years to L. Ron Hubbard's Sea Org Flag Guardian's Office. It was called the Sea Org because Hubbard wanted to remain "Fabian," which meant to always keep moving, as it's hard to hit a moving target. The Sea Org thus started out at sea before it had to find a land base, i.e. The Flag Land Base in Clearwater Florida, although Hubbard still remained Fabian.

I quickly found out that Sea Org members were only allowed one day off every other week (providing your statistics were up - otherwise wait a whole month and retry.) Also your annual vacation was only authorized if you passed all the "Security Checks" (a very special kind of auditing.) If you ever thought of "leaving" or of harmful thoughts about the church you might as well say good by to your vacation until you were "handled." The E-meter was very successful in "reading" people who wanted or even thought of wanting to leave. For the first couple of years I didn't have any problems as I was so gung ho and I was so disconnected from friends and family that leaving was never an issue for me.

I started out my Sea Org contract in the Guardian's Office as an "expeditor" for all the Guardian management departments. It wasn't until I was officially "cleared" with all the necessary "Security Check Auditing" before I could hold a post behind the "locked door." I figured I worked in this expeditor unit for several months. Deva Holeman also worked with me in this expeditor unit as was there for about a year. In the G.O. you couldn't have any history of drug use, or prior religious connections. Deva had a hard time trying to get into the G.O. for whatever reasons, which we never would talk about (as we were quite afraid to discuss such matters.) Eventually she finally got her petition approved from the Guardian (Jane Kember at the Saint Hill Manor in England) to work inside the "locked door." Jane Kember and Mary Sue Hubbard were the top World Wide Guardians at this time.

It wasn't long after being assigned a position in the Guardian's Office as a Public Relations Officer that Jane Kember was being expedited to the United States for some kind of trial. I never knew exactly what trials were taking place because we were always told, "it's all a bunch of lies designed by Suppressive Persons and Interpol to attack and persecute us." So I'd just believe the story and keep plugging away at my never-ending work.

( Editor's note: Scientology tells their own members about the above, that: "We were convicted of stealing copy paper," and they also tell their own members that all the materials on this website are "lies, lies, lies." )

Nancy Reitze was the Guardian of the Flag Land Base in Clearwater. Milton Wolfe was the Assistant Guardian of Public Relations, with his wife Laura Wolfe as his assistant. The intelligence office or "Info Bureau" was filled with staff; Kora Ritchie or her husband Rich Ritchie was the Assistant Guardian of Intelligence. They also had Doug and Nancy Sadwick who really did the undercover work, which I never was allowed to know. I just remember Doug going to jail for some kind of grand jury investigation and his refusal to cooperate with authorities. I was never allowed to visit Doug while he was in jail. I was told that I was desperately needed to continue my hard work to stop the evil SP's from doing in planet Earth.

Randy Baxter and Molly Baxter also worked in the Info Bureau however Molly took Nancy Reitze's position of the Flag Guardian when Nancy went "over the rainbow" (some secret place where LRH was.) Another lady by the name of Nancy or Diane Bush also worked "Internal Intelligence." Internal Intelligence was really an underhanded way of collecting personal "auditing files" and ethics files of Scientology parishioners. GO Intelligence staff would go through these folders and look for anyone disaffected or a "possible trouble source" within the church. In the expeditor unit I was always getting parishioner's "Confidential PC Files" for the Internal Info Bureau folks. Info Bureau had tons of files on people inside the Church as well as outside the Church. Whenever a "Dead Agent Package" was needed to discredit any foe of the Church it could easily be prepared with all these confidential files. At first I was shocked that the GO would use trusted or "sacred" personal files against our own people, but in the name of saving the planet it was justified.

I remember John Travolta used to speak publicly how he loved Scientology but didn't like the management. I wasn't in charge of collecting his folders, but I recall being told that he was being "handled" by upper management. It wasn't long before he changed his attitude.

Another lady who really seemed to me to be a "heavy hitter" was Cass Baker. She still works for the G.O. (But now the name has been changed to The Office of Special Affairs). She works at the "secret hideaway" in Twin Peaks, California. I think she now guards all of LRH's Tech in underground tunnels at this mountain resort. Rumor is that LRH's Tech Bulletins are on some golden tablets buried deep inside these tunnels meant to withstand a global nuclear war.

The Legal Bureau was heavily staffed as well. Phillip Parks was the Assistant Guardian of Legal. He had a crew of folks working for him. Enid Parks (his wife), Ted (Wilson?), Peter Conway, Rick Alba, and maybe a couple of others I forget.

I was taught by Milton Wolf in charge of the Flag GO PR Bureau of how to avoid legal service. Our office was upstairs in the Clearwater Building on 500 Cleveland Ave. (I'll be totally amazed if I this is the right address… I really hoped to God I would of forgot these details.)

Basically the person serving legal papers on the church would come to the security desk and ask to see the person who accepts legal service. I would go down and tell whomever that I will deliver it to him/her. I would give the service paperwork to Milton and he would get with Doug and Nancy Sadwick (Info Bureau) open it up and copy it. I would then go downstairs and tell the person that I couldn't find the person. This only happened once while I was on duty.

Then there was the Social Coordination Unit. This unit was the social veneer for the Church. Diane and her husband Randy Bush ran this unit. These folks sent me on various missions. They had to generate "positive press" for Scientology by using front groups like American Citizens for Honesty in Government (ACHG), Narconon, United Churches of Florida, Freedom News Journal, and other groups that I now forget. Deva and I were usually "spokesmen" for these groups and the Social Coordination Dept. had all the letterheads for whatever operation was needed.

We were told that the US Government was out to destroy us so we had to discredit them. This kind of news would always come from "up lines." I use to think it was all generated by the GO geniuses however from the Kingfisher Mission, (later discussed.) I was told that the CMO (LRH's private organization - called Commodore's Messenger Organization who delivered orders directly from Hubbard) was well aware of everything going on. At one of our staff meetings Nancy Reitze ordered the SoCo (Social Coordination) Dept to "expose" governmental crimes. This always gets good press and positions us as the good guys. The GO intelligence operatives used the Freedom of Information Act all the time and found some dirt regarding how the CIA used chemical testing of "BZ" on unwitting US Soldiers. This was the hot press items and sent Deva and I on escapades with gas masks and our "Freedom News Journals" exposing the evil, nasty, US Government. The whole idea per LRH GO policies was to "position" us as the good guys and discredit the agencies trying to investigate or do us harm. I think the IRS got a lot of our attacks because Scientology wanted church tax-exempt status.

Mayor Gabe Cazares

Nancy Reitze ordered another mission regarding our Clearwater Mayor, Gabe Cazares. Nancy received intelligence of a meeting of Mayor Cazares at the Veterans of Foreign Wars and that he might say something negative about Scientology. Mayor Cazares unbeknownst to me, had already suffered from a fake hit and run incident and was a targeted for harassment. Deva Holeman and I were told by Nancy to disrupt the VFW meeting.

We went to his VFW meeting and handed out "Freedom News Journals" to the people going in to hear Mayor Cazares. Once the meeting got started Deva and I attended the meeting as spies. Not very good ones, at that, because even though we sat at the very back of the room, Mayor Cazares had already spotted us and was very upset that we were in there. It's comical, looking back and thinking that we could just "blend in" and go unnoticed. That's how arrogant we were.

Mayor Gabe Cazares told the audience that he would not speak if those "spies" were not removed from the back of the room. I stood up and said something stupid like, "I just wanted to hear what you had to say," and pretended I wasn't a spy. Deva Holeman and I were asked to leave by a few of the members in the back, which we did. Once returning to the G.O. we had to "Debrief" to Nancy Reitze.

It was always policy that every caper had to be debriefed by everyone involved. There was lots of paperwork connected for everything. I remember Homer Schomer had lots of our GO files locked in a vault in the old Clearwater Bank Building.

Around 1981 the evil Clearwater Sun was going to run some article written by Richard Leiby that had some top secret Scientology upper "O.T. level" information in their morning edition. I believe it was Deva and I that were assigned to clearing out every Clearwater Sun Newspaper rack and stand in Clearwater. We were told that if the Clearwater citizens were to read this upper material that they, per LRH, would get sick and die. Supposedly this OT Level stuff would "restimulate" a very powerful "Engram" (a very harmful charged incident in your unconscious mind.) Wow, that's how powerful this stuff was, and Deva and I had to save the town from complete destruction. Somehow we did our duty and thanks to us the Clearwater population didn't roll over and die. However the funny thing was that those other thousands of readers who somehow did read those articles never did get sick or die. But then again, how would we have known since the Sea Org issued an order to remove all televisions from our berthing space?

I remember being sent to the GO World Wide in East Grinstead England and doing the PR Course. I stayed at David and Sheila Gaiman's house. David was the Guardian World Wide of Public Relations at that time. He worked under the Guardian World Wide, Jane Kember. From what I understood, Mary Sue Hubbard was really the head Guardian but had to be legally separate from the Church.

Scientologists were not legally allowed into the United Kingdom when I was ordered to go there. Of course Nancy Reitze had to drill me on how to lie to British authorities before I arrived. I was a "tourist" and that was the "shore story" (LRH's terminology for telling folks an "acceptable" truth i.e. Lie.) I was taking the GO Public Relations Course, but several things were taking place, which kept me there for quite some time. The Falkland Island War was going on in the world and the Sea Org feared that its members might get drafted. I was young, about 21, and the USA Sea Org had required anyone who might get drafted to take the Scientology Minister's course, which supposedly kept us from the draft. It was only a month or two to take the course and supposedly saved me from the draft.

It was sort of an exciting time for me as I was studying at LRH's very own home, just as he had left it. I remember going into his study and admiring all the books on his library shelves. I remember seeing some that really stunned me at first. They were on Witchcraft, and one called "The CIA Mind Control Manual." I very, very, cautiously asked some authority figure why would LRH read these kinds of books? Well his answer was that LRH had to know what the enemy was up to and he had to become familiar with their tactics. Of course I believed it and thought, how clever LRH was.

During this time in GO WW I met Andre. He was a GO WW INFO Officer and just as gung ho as I was. I believe he was in charge of the entire World Wide Intelligence network. Anyway one day he asked me to go with him to smuggle vitamins into France. Andre was loading up his Peugeot with niacin pills and other vitamins for the latest LRH Purification Rundown, which required lots of vitamins. (These vitamins were from David Gaiman's vitamin shop.) France supposedly didn't allow certain vitamins without a doctor's prescription and Andre was sent on Mission to illegally supply French Scientology Organizations with these special vitamins.

I asked my course supervisor to release me for this special GO WW Intelligence operation, as Andre wanted me to be the tourist while he smuggle the special vitamins in. I wasn't allowed to go, as a major "flap" was occurring and I was needed to assist. Jane Kember was being extradited to the US on fraud and illegal breaking into US government offices and lots of bad press was going on in the United Kingdom. So the UK Scientologists had to generate positive PR to outdo the bad PR. It was always a matter of "out producing" the bad PR as our LRH statistic.

One of my UK Missions was to generate positive press. I was assigned to find out who was the "opinion leader" in education and get that person to endorse Scientology's Study Tech. I had to use LRH's PR policies on Finding Opinion Leaders, which basically is doing "surveys," find the "Who" and then get the Info Bureau to get intelligence on them. i.e. thru hiring private eyes or "whatever." Then "convince" the opinion leader to endorse Scientology Study Tech. If they were to speak badly about Scientology I'm sure there was enough intelligence dirt to convince them to do otherwise. Although I wasn't in the department of dirty tricks, my job was being a young innocent blue-eyed puppet used as a front piece.

I was transferred from the Public Relations Bureau to the Legal Bureau because there were so many legal "flaps" going on and the first big mission I was sent on was to assist the CMO to re incorporate the Scientology churches. I was told from Jackie McKinley who was the financial executive from the CMO International Missionary Organization that the reason was to shelter the church's money from legal suits by restructuring the corporate status of the Florida and California churches. She said it wouldn't change anything regarding the command lines, just a "WOG" thing.

This was a big mission. Phillip Parks the Flag Legal G.O. Guardian was my boss and he put together legal articles of incorporation for the C of S in Florida and separated out the United Churches of Florida, and detached corporately from the C of S of California. Phillip also put together articles of incorporation for various other W.I.S.E. (World Institute of Scientology Enterprises) organizations as well. The whole idea was for me to go to Delaware and file all these new articles of incorporation because Delaware State laws somehow protect corporations from disclosing much information or tax law protection. I wasn't sure why Delaware but I was the man to fly up there and file these new articles of incorporation. Then I flew down to Tallahassee Florida and refilled these new church corporations as Foreign Corporations doing business in Florida.

This was quite a mission for me as I didn't have any real corporate legal training whatsoever. We were just assigned to do something and we just did it. I remember the clothes I use to wear. Just run of the mill thrift shop specials. I remember Laura Wolfe the PR Rep. complaining about my clothes needing improvement for the public and I was awarded a very small allowance to get some "corporate clothes." I remember going back to the local thrift store and putting together some hideous fashion concoction for my big corporate legal mission. It wasn't because I wanted to look weird; it was just the Sea Org mindset of saving money at all costs for the church. Sort of a side note, I recall there was a time when a Flag Order called out for Sea Org members to only take 3-minute showers (could have been 2 minutes, I'm not sure) to save money on water and gas bills. Sea Org members got Com Ev'd (Scientology's justice system) if we violated these orders, and you'd hate to lose your vacation time if found guilty of squandering Sea Org funds down the shower drain during your "confessional auditing".

I felt like a million bucks standing in line of the Delaware State Corporations Division with my hobo designer styling of clothing. There were many high dollar lawyers staring at me with their Pierre Cardin Suits and their Havana cigars filling the air. The gentleman next to me was a corporate lawyer for the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas and was dying to know what I was doing there. I was very secretive about what I was doing which really drove this guy nuts. I thought to myself that these hotshot lawyers are probably making hundreds of thousands of dollars and I'm doing the same stuff for $17.50 a week.

Another inconsistency that I saw was how LRH would write about how terrible abortions were yet while I was in the GO Internal Legal Bureau there were more abortions going on than you could imagine. Many of the Sea Org members were going down to the local free clinic to get their abortions. News got to the Info Bureau, which showed how we were the number 1 group of folks getting abortions at the free clinic. I figured someone must have written to a public official about this phenomenon, which necessitated the transporting of pregnant mothers to various Florida free clinics. The fear was that that negative press could be generated and undermine our efforts of LRH PR Area Control.

This was the straw that broke the camel's back for me and was my first real wake up call. I was in the Guardian's Office Legal Bureau when the CMO International launched this mission. It was about 1981 and I was working under Phillip Parks of the Flag Legal Bureau. He was an old time Scientologist and actually worked as LRH's "Port Captain" on the ship. I use to idolize Phillip because he knew LRH personally. It was during this mission that Phillip surprised me one day when I said to him, "your so lucky to have worked for the old man." He said privately to me, "Gary, everyone was scared to death working for him. If something didn't go his way he would come completely unglued. I would try to avoid him as much as possible." This statement was the first of many "straws" to come.

I can't recall all of the several legal cases going on at that time. However I do remember that we were losing so many legal battles that this CMO Kingfisher Mission was sent in to help us out. Doris Hoyseth was in charge of this mission. She was another lady about the same age as Phillip and I can recall her nervously smoking Doral Cigarettes one after the other.

Phillip would always legally deny any wrongdoing of the church in any lawsuit, and he was informed that the accusers were always using manufactured evidence from SP's. Doris said the reason Flag was doing so badly in the courts was because we really didn't know the truth and the Kingfisher Mission was here to give us the real truth so we could maybe win a case or two. The mission was first only to interrogate us on the E-meter and find out what we knew and what we didn't know. After the LRH CMO Missionaires compiled all the info on us we privately meet with Doris to discuss what she felt we needed to know.

Since I dealt mostly with internal legal issues, like trying to hide the fact that we sleep 12 people to a room from the local officials, I was only allowed to ask limited questions pertaining to my post. I remember sitting down with Doris and she asked me if there is anything that I would like to cleaned up. I asked about Mayor Gabe Cazares and asked if the rumor was true about the GO staging a hit and run on him. She said "yes." I asked, "why was the mayor being set up?" Doris only wanted to answer yes or no questions but knew she had to tell me something more. "He is an SP and had to be removed from office."

After she told me this I was shocked and really didn't want to know any more or ask any more questions. I just remember my illusionary world had just been shattered and I pretended to act like what she just told me didn't scare me to death. I'm sure we talked about other capers but at this time I was doing everything I could to hide my feelings of wanting to "blow" (leave without approval.)

Per LRH people who wanted to leave had "overts" or committed harmful acts and are trying to "blow" i.e. leave. Of course believing in the "tech," I had to be the bad evil person and by me leaving I would experience the guilt of allowing the universe to continue it's downward spiral. How can you leave when the consequences are so dire? So I believed it was all me and went with the program.

LRH's policies, which structured the RPF, must have been taken out of one of his books on Nazi concentration camps. We were isolated from the rest of the group, stripped from our normal clothes to wearing (previously worn) black/dark blue outfits, with worn yellow (rags/socks) armbands to signify our "Liability" to the group. We were put into the Ft. Harrison's garage to live. Cardboard walls were erected with sectioned off bunk beds and classroom areas. It looked like a makeshift Tijuana shantytown. We must have had around 20 people in my group when I was there and none of the RPF'ers were allowed to speak to any staff or parishioners outside of the RPF group. We were to be isolated while we completed our programs of salvation.

We were only allowed to do manual labor and we were never allowed to walk. We worked to the point of exhaustion and rarely did we have time to visit our family. We were supposedly allowed one hour a day called "family time" for visitation of our family and children. However the days were so long and hard, "family time" was quite rare. It was far worse than being in jail and my bars were the mental beliefs that the "LRH's Tech would save me".

I was first put on kitchen detail where every morning a huge enclosed rented truck would pull up to the Ft. Harrison garage. I would be put inside of the back of the truck with about 3 other RPF'ers and driven to a large outdoor commercial farmer's market place in Tampa, Florida where Ron Rathburn (the head of the Flag Sea Org kitchen) would buy the food for the entire Flag Land Base. I can always recall seeing the truck's mechanical door sliding down and whatever light there was would soon disappear.

After we loaded all the hundreds of heads of lettuce, tomatoes, fruits, canned goods etc. we piled back into the truck. We would ride on top of the food in total blackness back to the Ft. Harrison. We usually were not allowed to talk to one another unless it concerned what we were doing. If we violated any of the RPF policies that would mean we were still unethical, and untrustworthy people deserving the RPF and thus extending our programs. I could recall the awful stench about us throughout the rest of the day, as showers weren't allowed until the end of the night. Sadly, I did this trip many times for many months.

It wasn't until later that I really lucked out when LRH's old yacht called the "Diana" (named after Diana Hubbard) had pulled into Tarpon Springs, Florida and needed manual labor and mechanical help. Since I was a good mechanic I was sent on this detail. This saved me from a lot of hard labor back at the Ft. Harrison..

We always had another person assigned to us called our "twin." Mine was Ed Bivens. He and I got along really well and we had to audit each other during our RPF Program. Since we RPF'ers were not allowed to be in the "public eye" all our auditing took place in the huge and noisy boiler rooms in the basement of the Ft. Harrison Hotel. These rooms were over 100 degrees, and infested with golf ball size palmetto bugs with very large rats. I must have had hundreds of hours of "confessional" auditing in these rooms.

There was one type of auditing that I recall, which is so against what truths that I now hold. Somehow my twin Ed Bivens was reprieved and I had been given a different twin who (I can't remember his name) who was instructed by the technical case supervisor to use a different type of auditing on me. The repetitive commands were to "recall someone praying over you," then to "release that thought." I figured the reason I wasn't doing so good in the RPF was because one of my "disconnected" family members were praying for me and thus spiritually screwing me up.

My wife Kelly Weber ended up in the RPF as well. She was working as the secretary for the Executive Director International, Kerry Gleason who was one of the top Scientology officials. Mr. Gleason had issued her orders to go "over the rainbow." This meant she was to be sent to a secret location for LRH's CMO. It was considered a privilege to go "over the rainbow" but Kelly tried so hard to not go. She tried everything to stay and be with her newborn child and me. However Kelly was forced to this unknown location for possibly a year. When Kelly arrived at this secret headquarters (either in Hemet or Twin Peaks California), she did something so daring and so courageous that to this day I admire her for. She waited until she had enough bus fair money to come home and "Blew"!. This was a capital offense! You just don't know how much strength it took to do this. She was immediately RPF'ed. I'm sure she figured that being in the RPF would allow her to be near her new born baby and me back in Florida.

Little did she know that she would end up in the RPF's RPF! It was degrading enough to be in the RPF but the RPF's RPF! I use to admire Kelly for her natural strong will and motherly instincts but the RPF's RPF managed to break this in her. I can still recall seeing her inside those large commercial trash dumpsters for hours on end scrubbing the smelly inside walls with a small brush. She even had to be isolated from the other RPF'ers (me included) and could only talk with her RPF Supervisor. She eventually broke and to this day she never was the same again.

It's strange, that even though she totally surrendered her will, she never ever managed to "produce" the way the Church wanted her to and she eventually got "Fitness Boarded" (that's when you kicked out and "left on shore".)

Kelly was pregnant and was left outside the Church with an enormous 'Freeloader Debt.' I still have her letters to me pleading for help for money to find a doctor. I was "declared" and she wasn't allowed to talk or write to me unless the International Justice Chief (Rusty Hilton) authorized the communication or letters.

This "Freeloader Debt" was issued to any Sea Org member who reneges on their billion-year contract. We all had to pay back many thousands of dollars for all Scientology "Church" services and training delivered. LRH policy stated something to the effect that if you leave, then you were on staff just for the free church services. So you have to pay it all back before you can ever think of getting back on The Bridge to Total Freedom. I believe to this day Kelly is still trying to pay off her Freeloader Debt by getting commission for people she tries to get on the Bridge or into the Org. We no longer communicate as she managed to get our daughters into the church and Sea Org and it wasn't long before the disconnection letters came.

However, back to the RPF story. In the RPF I think I was only paid $5.00 per week and it was only to pay for basics and toiletries. We were allowed one morning per week to go purchase these items and do our laundry. A funny note is we had to use the church's laundromat and pay the going rate of 50 or 75 cents wash and whatever the dryer cost. This was called "Clean Ship Program" time and normally only consisted of 4 hours. While Kelly and I were in the RPF we traded off seeing our daughter Rhiannon during the "Family Time" hour, however there were times that we managed to spend this time together.

Most of my RPF auditing was "confessionals" type of auditing. Every wrong doing, overt, harmful thought, or any thought in my mind was explored ruthlessly with the E-meter. There was nothing left inside me that wasn't turned inside out. I worked hard to find out why I was such a bad person for wanting to leave and allow this planet to fall deeper into the evil dwindling spirals of the Evil Suppressive Person.

I worked hard to get out of the RPF and be with our daughter Rhiannon. I want to say that I was in the RPF for a year but time was not something we kept track of. Although I made it out for a short time, I was resentenced to the RPF because my auditing revealed I really wanted to leave again. This time when I went back into the RPF, I was determined that I would follow the proper procedures to "route out" (this was to avoid being "Declared" and thus, still be allowed to see my pregnant wife and daughter.)

When I went back into the RPF I remember the Mission Holder meetings were being held at the Sandcastle Hotel. This is where the CMO called in all the mission holders from around the US and Europe. The CMO told us that the various Church Mission Holders were supposedly undermining the Sea Org and they concluded that the Mission holders were Evil SP's. From what I recall the issue was that the small missions wouldn't send their "PC's" to Flag for their expensive upper levels. This cut into the Flag Land Base's gross income. If we didn't receive one million dollars per week the Flag Service Orgs were ordered to eat rice and beans for breakfast, lunch and dinner. This happened many times, however Kelly was pregnant with our second daughter and somehow she was allowed to bend the rules.

I recall Miscavige and Rick Aznaran were a few of those in charge of "handling" these "evil" mission holders. The CMO had taken control of the RPF and the top CMO Executives were in charge of locking the Mission Holders against their will inside their Sandcastle hotel rooms. I was ordered by the CMO to stand guard and if they tried to escape I was to physically force them back into their room until CMO Auditors came to "pull their overts and withholds" against the church and humanity.

People were "blowing" all over the Sea Org. Kerry Gleason the Executive Director International asked me while I was in the RPF to fix his car. The RPF bosun approved this, as he was such a high ranking official, but the next day he took his family and left. Carl Carlson the FSO Executive Director and his family "blew" in the middle of the night. Even Diana Hubbard supposedly blew but was "recovered." I wanted so desperately to leave as well but my pregnant wife wanted to stay and she always pleaded with me to "clean yourself up like I'm doing".

I knew I had to leave this time. It was a painful decision, as I knew I'd have to lose what little family I had or face being broken like Kelly. The next problem was, where would I go? I was so disconnected from friends and family that there was no place for me to go.

The "routing out" procedure was designed to take forever so there was no graceful way of leaving the Sea Org. A special Scientology legal hearing was convened on me to see if I was an SP. Of course all my private "confessionals" were used as evidence in this Kangaroo Court. However strangely enough, my fellow RPF'ers delivered an innocent verdict. This enraged the CMO and they soon dispatched two top executives Jeanie Laccardi and Ken Anderson to reconvene the Comm Ev and "convince" the members to issue out the SP Declare. Mark Pope the Comm Ev Chairman was very reluctant to go against what he felt was right however I believe the threat of longer RPF sentences were used to ensure the reversal and issue of the SP Declare. Why the CMO was overseeing my execution was probably because they felt I was privy to many of the crimes of the CMO and the Guardian's Office. I'm sure they were in charge of breaking my will and using my family as another tool to ensure that I would never talk.

Ken and Jeanine had me in a secluded dark closet made out of those funky cardboard boxes and just tore me apart with my newly issued SP Declare. I remember them going over and over how that if I were to ever speak of what went on that they "would personally hunt me down and take care of me." I figured they thought that after hours of Gestapo-type character assassination I would of eventually surrender that last shed of hope of leaving. However I did manage to hang on to "something" but it wasn't what those Missionaires wanted. However, I did hang on to the fears of what they would do if I ever spoke of what happened to me. It was late and dark and I was leaving in the early morning. I wasn't allowed much sleep for several days, and what little sleep I did manage to get was interrupted with nightmares of losing my family, having hardly any money, and no where to go.

When I was in the GO PR Bureau I met a Clearwater public official named Don Mains. I don't recall what he did other than putting together some kind of Dizzy Gillespie concert in the Clearwater Park, and he was organizing a "Spirit of Life" promotion for Clearwater. Hand gliders were supposed to fly from Chicago to Clearwater to celebrate man's spirit of life. We met one time at a soda shop and Don and I had somehow become friends. We met every once in a while at this soda shop and talked about all sorts of spiritual topics.

When I left the Church that morning (excommunicated and declared an SP per the Church), I had nowhere to go. I don't remember what I did until later that night when I remember being at a local Clearwater liquor store parking lot calling my mother for help and to send money. My mom was still so angry with me for disconnecting from her and probably didn't believe me that I really wanted to leave. She told me, "You made your bed, so now you sleep in it." Click. I didn't realize the bottom of my "barrel" had no bottom. To make matters worse when I left the liquor store parking lot I realized that I left my wallet on top of the pay phone. When I rushed back about 15 minutes later my wallet was gone. Finally I was broke and broken.

I used the last of my change in my pocket to call Don Mains. I asked if I could stay with him. I figured he'd say no and the only other option I was thinking was to go to the Clearwater Police Station to find some kind of shelter for the homeless. Miraculously he said, "sure, come on over." I told him that I couldn't pay him. He told me not to worry and come on over. If it wasn't for the kindness of this man I don't believe I would of made it through the night.

For Don to help me was far beyond just food and shelter. He was in the political circles of Clearwater and helping me would have certainly derailed his political career. The Clearwater climate was absolute hostile towards Scientologists because of the recent scandal of the Church's smear campaigns waged against Mayor Gabe Gazares, plus Mary Sue Hubbard and others going to jail for various crimes, and a recent grand jury with Ron DeWolfe (LRH's son) exposing other crimes, etc, had taken place. Not a place to be for a wandering excommunicated Scientologist. I had one very big problem. The only way I would be allowed to see my wife and children ever again was to go back into the RPF and try to rehabilitate myself. This was the only way I figured I could see my family again i.e., lose my soul and become what the church wanted. I decided to lose me and go back.

I think it was about a week later I showed back up in the Ft. Harrison garage and asked the RPF Bosun if I could return and I was immediately accepted and ordered back to the same smelly cot where I took off my civilian clothes and reached into the dirty barrel of black RPF cloths and found something that would fit me. Although I wasn't allowed to live with my wife I still would see her in the RPF, cleaning toilets or scrubbing floors. We were only allowed to talk to each other during meal times, unless of course you were in the RPF's RPF. This would mean you could only talk to your handler.

I always wondered how the scientology public felt when they saw us, living in the garage. It was like a shantytown with cardboard walls and 4 high bunks crammed into the corner of a multimillion-dollar hotel. The paying public was quite wealthy to come to the Flag Land Base paying hundreds and hundreds of thousands of dollars to "get up the Bridge." Even in my filthy cloths when I watched the Porsches or Mercedes go by, I still felt "superior" because I had sacrificed my life to help "them" go free.

I was audited 4 to 6 hrs straight in the boiler room often going unconscious. I don't recall how long I did this before I couldn't go on any longer. I'm guessing a month, and I left early in the morning and called Don Mains, again.

Don helped me get a job and loaned me money to get started. My first job was selling vacuum cleaners door to door. Don would call his friends and let me set up appointments with them to do my vacuum cleaner presentations. Looking back, I think he may have asked them to buy a vacuum cleaner from me in order to boost my confidence (since it was quite low.) It was those beginning sales and his unconditional friendship that stopped my "dwindling spiral." Although I was still a long way from recovery, Don's genuine acts of love and kindness were the first sparks of light towards finding my road to recovery.

For a long time afterward I never would allow myself to learn or study other belief systems because I was so afraid of being brainwashed again. It wasn't until I began to read and hear about other similar stories to mine that I felt such a deep personal relief that, "I wasn't the only one." So I want to thank those who have previously had the courage to share their stories and thank them for giving me the courage to tell mine.

I also began to read and open myself up to the real power of love and forgiveness, which Don Mains had demonstrated to me many years ago. It wasn't until I was able to have forgiveness did I begin to undo the harmful effects I experienced so long ago. To this day when I read about suicide bombers in the name of religion, or the Taliban, or Osama Bin Laden, that I could have been one of these poor unfortunate souls who really believed they were doing Gods' work or saving the planet. This trap of fanaticism, of feeling your on the side of truth and justice seems so common place in the world today. Scientology claims to teach how to achieve the states of "POWER" and "CAUSE OVER LIFE," but Jesus Christ teaches forgiveness, love, and kindness. Thank you Don Mains wherever you are for teaching me the difference.

Thanks for allowing me to share my story.

With Apology, Love and Forgiveness,

Gary Weber

Garyweber1@msn.com